Today is the 24th of January. It has been a heavy day for me since 1980 when my mother died. It is a day that forever marked a place where the rest of my life would be shaped and redirected. I have thought about my mom today, but more about my loss, not her. She was a marvelous lady who brought love and laughter into every day. She was really full of life, humor, intelligence and hope. I remember her hands and voice both soothing and soft. She was a pianist so she beckoned the sound of music into my heart. She was wonderful to me. She loved Jesus and her life was testimony to her faithfulness to her Lord.
I have to express nearly every year how very difficult life has been without her with me. I know that my life would have been drastically different if she had not died. However, I think I am finally trying to embrace my life such as it is...without her. I want to think that I wouldn't want to change my life, because I wouldn't be the person that I am now. That's a lie, though. I would change it if I could have had her for a longer time. I know that I would be a differnt person completely. I would not have been so adventurous or independent. I would not be so outgoing or funny. I would not relate to men better than women. I would not love sci-fi and sports. I would not have even become a teacher. I would have gone to a different college, made different choices. I would have grown to be someone completely different.
But I am me without her. I sometimes allow myself the fantasy of having her with me now. I fantasize about our talking on the phone about nothing. I dream about her knowing and loving my boys. I dream about long walks and shopping and laughing. I dream about having a place to run to when everyone and everything had shut me out. Then I wake and focus on the reality of now.
I have a beloved mother in law, two beautiful children and many friends who love me. I have a husband who cannot fill every need even when I rely on him to try. It is difficult for him at times to be my solice. He is all I want, he is my best friend. I have a Savior that knows and loves me. He knows the pain and lonliness that I feel. He made a way for me to feel joy and love and forgiveness and happiness and wholeness. He is the only way.
So on this anniversary of sorrow, I must look at the good in my life. I am alive. My mother was dead by this age, so I have lived longer than she was able to. I am passionately in love with my husband. I adore my boys. I do have sisters in Christ who are sisters indeed. I have the beauty of the earth, the sounds, the birds, the rain, the whole world to remind me that God Is Good!! I have my Savior who is Christ the Lord.
I miss you, Mother.
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I love your blog. Thank you for sharing. I know what you mean about life without your mom. Mine died a little over 10 years ago. But I had her longer than you had yours.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm looking forward to following your blog ! You write beautifully !
Your post was beautiful Beth! I wish I had words to say, and I just don't.
ReplyDeleteI do understand your need to publically journal....I've done the same thing with my thoughts and feelings about our possible adoption. It honestly is helpful and it forces you to be completely honest because you know that others may read it.....
However, I don't understand your loss because I haven't experienced that type of loss. But I'm certain that it would be very painful each and every year. Just know that I love you! I pray that Jesus is your comfort on this day and that he allows you to trade your sorrows for dancing and joy, and that great joy would come with each and every remembrance of your precious mother!
Much love and many hugs to you from me!
I love you so much! I am humbled that you are allowing us to share in your journey. I pray that journaling in type will be a part of the healing that I know God is working on!
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