Hard to find that peace

Today was yet again a frustrating day and I am beginning to think that God is trying to tell me something. I am thankful that life gives me difficult situations so the only thing that I can do is rely on him. Jesus is on the throne. I just need to focus on him. This morning I was reading Psalm 24. Few people felt as badly as King David, yet he found a way to see God's control and mercy. David was unafraid to ask for forgiveness, or help or even beg for protection. He knew that he was not forsaken. If David can belive that then so can I. If God is for me, who can be against!

Do Nothing Tuesday

Today was very busy with students. There was not even ten minutes that I was without kids or at a teachers' meeting. (not even lunch) So the day hurried by without my noticing the subtle blessings surrounding me. Since I am an outdoor lover, I am always thankful for the nice weather. But I think God wants me to look deeper.

Tuesdays are nothing afternoons and evenings. This means there is no piano or guitar lesson, no basketball, no anything. The TV hasn't even been truned on. It has been so quiet and nice. I am thankful for my "home" and the quiet restoration that it brings. "Home" is not my house, but the love of the people and the feelings that we share with one another that makes it our home.

Thank you Jesus fo my "home". Yes, Lord, thank you for the cat hair on the couch too.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a day that I had to search for thanksgiving, and it had nothing to do with God. It had to do with my self-focus, self-importance, just plain self. I am really having to look more deeply. Of course, I adore my family and am thankful for them. I can always sing praises to God for them. Unfortunatley, they are not my whole world. I am thinking now of one of my precious little first graders. I am so thankful for him. He is just precious. I am thankful for my other students as well, and I feel so blessed that I get to be with them. It is just so fun everyday with those crazy little brainiacs!

I still think I am to look deeper still to find true thanksgiving. I think that I am supposed to thank Jesus that I feel totally inadequate, and I need him. I feel unloved, disliked and stupid. The world seems like a roller coaster and I am in line, waiting fearfully to get on the ride and just hold on until it is over. So I am thankful that I have people who dislike me, even hate me, because I get a glimpse of Jesus' fate. He loves me! He loves me! He loves me! Jesus gave me all that I need and so very much more. I have more brains than I should, better health than I should, a better job, better friends, better marraige, better children, a better life that I deserve.
Suddenly, I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you Jesus for giving me difficult days so that I must turn to you. I hope today is a real pain!

January 25, 2009

I need to thank God for today. My church is the most unusual and precious place on earth. Last night I attended a party for a couple who is moving out of town. We laughed and ate and then...prayed for them. Wow. It wasn't just a short, shallow prayer. It was a direct line to God on behalf of our friends. I felt that this must be a glimpse into heaven...feeling that glow of love and blessings. The friends that I have made by attending that little building on the hill have become my family. I cannot really express in words just how wonderful it is to be in a group of people who love and adore me and love and adore each other. In is a true community; one that Jesus would be proud of.

I need to thank Jesus for my father-in-law. He has grown weary and frail due many health problems. However, he makes a supreme effort to remain a part of our family. While eating lunch at my in-laws, my nephew teased Grampa saying something quite hilarious. My dear father-in-law got so tickled, he just laughed and laughed. He has difficulty talking now, but today it was clear that he was full of joy. I am so thankful for his laughter.

I need to thank Jesus too for my new pastor. I adore him and how he is showing me the Word of God. I am so thrilled and a bit scared of what is going to be happening in our little town. Jesus was a mover and shaker and our pastor is following in those exact foot steps. He just knocks my socks off. Through his preaching, teaching and encouragement, the piercing blade of truth resonates into my soul. Again, I cannot put it into words. I just know that I know that God is going to be using us BIG TIME!

I cannot close today without thanking Jesus for his love for me. I will always struggle with the enormousness of his arms, his love, his care, his provisions, his mercy, his forgiveness, his grace...I do not deserve this kind of love. I am sinner who is very selfish, judgemental, irresponsible, disobedient and just plain lazy. However, Jesus gives me life. I would have destroyed myself long ago had it not been for Jesus. He is my HOPE!

More from today

Today is the 24th of January. It has been a heavy day for me since 1980 when my mother died. It is a day that forever marked a place where the rest of my life would be shaped and redirected. I have thought about my mom today, but more about my loss, not her. She was a marvelous lady who brought love and laughter into every day. She was really full of life, humor, intelligence and hope. I remember her hands and voice both soothing and soft. She was a pianist so she beckoned the sound of music into my heart. She was wonderful to me. She loved Jesus and her life was testimony to her faithfulness to her Lord.

I have to express nearly every year how very difficult life has been without her with me. I know that my life would have been drastically different if she had not died. However, I think I am finally trying to embrace my life such as it is...without her. I want to think that I wouldn't want to change my life, because I wouldn't be the person that I am now. That's a lie, though. I would change it if I could have had her for a longer time. I know that I would be a differnt person completely. I would not have been so adventurous or independent. I would not be so outgoing or funny. I would not relate to men better than women. I would not love sci-fi and sports. I would not have even become a teacher. I would have gone to a different college, made different choices. I would have grown to be someone completely different.

But I am me without her. I sometimes allow myself the fantasy of having her with me now. I fantasize about our talking on the phone about nothing. I dream about her knowing and loving my boys. I dream about long walks and shopping and laughing. I dream about having a place to run to when everyone and everything had shut me out. Then I wake and focus on the reality of now.

I have a beloved mother in law, two beautiful children and many friends who love me. I have a husband who cannot fill every need even when I rely on him to try. It is difficult for him at times to be my solice. He is all I want, he is my best friend. I have a Savior that knows and loves me. He knows the pain and lonliness that I feel. He made a way for me to feel joy and love and forgiveness and happiness and wholeness. He is the only way.

So on this anniversary of sorrow, I must look at the good in my life. I am alive. My mother was dead by this age, so I have lived longer than she was able to. I am passionately in love with my husband. I adore my boys. I do have sisters in Christ who are sisters indeed. I have the beauty of the earth, the sounds, the birds, the rain, the whole world to remind me that God Is Good!! I have my Savior who is Christ the Lord.

I miss you, Mother.

Where to begin

I have been thinking about writing a blog if for no one but me and God. I guess it is a public journal. I wanted a place to write about the good in my life and focusing on the gifts that Jesus has given me. Life seems to want to constantly beat me, and all of us, every moment of every day. I have to shut out that noise and breath in the air of LOVE from my Heavenly Father. SO I just want to have time to think about God and His place in my life.